“You cannot change what you are unwilling to confront.” — James Baldwin

 

There’s a sentence I hear often in coaching with senior HR leaders:

“I’m doing everything I can… and it still feels stuck.”

Most of the time, they’re talking about influencing upwards.

A CEO who won’t quite commit.
An executive team that agrees in the room but nothing shifts afterwards.
Priorities that keep changing.
Decisions that hover.

On paper, they’re doing everything right.

But it still feels heavy.

And when we slow the conversation down, something important usually becomes clear.

 

Why Influencing Upwards Feels So Hard for Senior HR Leaders

Influencing upwards is one of the most complex challenges in HR leadership.

Senior HR leaders are expected to:

  • Raise risks clearly
  • Shape executive team decisions
  • Create alignment across functions
  • Maintain momentum
  • Support leadership accountability

And often, they do.

The issue usually isn’t capability.

It’s the weight they’ve picked up over time.

Over time, influence can quietly turn into responsibility.

Not just for your role — but for the whole system working.

 

The Difference Between Influence and Responsibility

This is the turning point in many coaching conversations.

We move from:

“How do I make this work?”

To:

“What is actually within my influence — and what isn’t?”

That distinction sounds simple.

It’s not.

Because many senior HR leaders are deeply committed. When something isn’t working, their instinct is to stabilise it. To step in. To translate vague direction into something workable. To hold tension so the executive team doesn’t fracture.

And gradually, influence becomes ownership.

That’s usually when the exhaustion starts.

 

How Over-Functioning Shows Up in Executive Team Dynamics

In executive team dynamics, HR leaders often become the glue.

They:

  • Follow up when others don’t
  • Push stalled decisions forward
  • Translate unclear strategy into operational action
  • Absorb frustration to maintain stability
  • Keep leadership accountability alive

None of this is wrong.

In fact, it often looks like strong HR leadership.

But if you carry responsibility that isn’t yours long enough, it stops feeling strategic and starts feeling draining.

This is often where burnout begins  — not from incompetence or overload, but from carrying what was never yours to hold.

 

Leadership Accountability: What’s Yours and What Isn’t

Healthy executive teams share accountability.

In less functional systems, one or two people quietly absorb it.

HR leaders are particularly vulnerable to this pattern because:

  • They are usually comfortable with complexity
  • They care about organisational health
  • They are skilled at holding ambiguity
  • They step in when clarity is missing

But stabilising the system is not the same as leading it.

And over-functioning can unintentionally reduce leadership accountability elsewhere.

This is where coaching becomes powerful — not to add new tools, but to create space to untangle:

  • Where your influence ends
  • Where someone else’s accountability begins
  • What you’ve taken on by default

 

A Question for Senior HR Leaders Who Feel Stuck

If influencing upwards feels stuck right now, pause.

Ask yourself:

Am I trying to influence — or have I quietly taken responsibility?

That distinction can immediately shift:

  • Your energy
  • Your boundaries
  • Your conversations
  • Your leadership presence

Often, the system adjusts when you stop over-functioning within it.

 

Influencing Without Authority — Without Carrying the System

Influencing without authority is a core skill in HR leadership.

But influence does not require ownership of the entire outcome.

It requires:

  • Clarity of stance
  • Boundaries around accountability
  • Precision about where you have leverage
  • A willingness to let consequences surface where appropriate

When senior HR leaders separate influence from responsibility, they lead with more impact — not less.

They conserve energy.
They strengthen executive accountability.
They operate strategically rather than reactively.

 

The Strategic Reset Many Senior HR Leaders Need

The most powerful coaching conversations aren’t about frameworks.

They’re about clarity.

Clarity around:

  • What’s mine
  • What isn’t
  • Where I’m over-functioning
  • Where I’ve blurred influence with responsibility

At this level, it’s rarely about doing more.

It’s about seeing what’s actually yours.

Because not everything that’s stuck is yours to fix.

 

Ready to Reflect?

If this resonates, don’t rush to change behaviour immediately.

Start with awareness.

Notice where you may be:

  • Carrying executive team momentum alone
  • Absorbing tension that belongs elsewhere
  • Owning outcomes beyond your remit

Small shifts in stance can change more than you expect.

And if you’re a senior HR leader navigating complex executive dynamics, this is exactly the kind of work I explore in coaching — creating the space to think clearly so you can influence effectively without carrying the system.

Leadership isn’t about holding everything together.

Sometimes it’s about putting the right things down.

Because not everything that’s stuck is yours to fix.